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Farts, Varts and Funny Sounds- Remembering Childhood

Farts, Varts and Funny Sounds
The simplest sound can be made by snapping your fingers but you can make funnier sounds in many ways. All this needs a lot of practice and causes much irritation to fellow inhabitants of the house. I learnt some but my achievements as always were ordinary and frankly I could never become an envy of my fellow performers.
Keeping your fingers relaxed if you drum them on the knuckles of the other hand you can get chuckles and frowns and at least one pupil from among the curious audience to whom you display your skill. Actually, you don’t even need the assistance of the other hand for producing sounds with the fingers. If you keep the fingers loose and hit them hard on the ridge of the palm, they produce an irritating sound. I could produce some sound after practicing hard but it wasn’t much of an achievement. It never even got me a frown or an attention nor a pupil.
Using your breath you can produce lilting music. If you learn to control the escaping air and fine-tune the abilities like a ventriloquist, you are sure to win many fans. The whistle is very useful for wooing girls. I am a very poor whistler and a poorer wooer. So poor is my ability that one can easily call it my weakness.
I make a great show with bulged out cheeks and a mouth full of air ready to produce enchanting music but what comes out is so pathetic that the listener can be driven to suicide. All that issues out of my mouth is air with a strange cracking sound like that coming out of a radio mistuned to a weak distant transmitting station. This useless air I am sure could serve a better purpose (if there is a purpose to it) if it were coming out from somewhere else. What is the purpose of that ejection either I have often mulled over but have found no satisfactory answer.
My present search says that ninety percent of what is released is exogenous. Hmmm.. that means it contains mostly oxygen and nitrogen that one breathes in. So much of an effort for such a useless thing? Beats me. The search is becoming interesting……..Do you know that an average human being delivers 0.5L to 1.5L of flatus in 12 to 25 episodes in a day? Nor did I know till now and I always thought that the charming girls were all fragrances and scents.
Do you know that though popular belief is that methane is associated with flatulence, two-third of human beings don’t release any methane and that there is hydrogen too in the ‘press release’ or pressure release!! If you stress your brain a little you will appreciate my thoughtful selection of the words. Do you understand the implications of this knowledge?
For one, I would like to warn you that you better don’t leave one in the kitchen or else you might not be able to get away with it. For those of you who don’t know much about chemistry, it should be enough to know that methane and hydrogen are highly inflammable gases. Then there are Hydrogen Sulfide and Carbon Dioxide also in it too. That means while some people are akin to mini chemical plants others are just air compressors.
There’s a lot of information available on the internet on the ‘art to fart’. Here is how to hide them.
“If sitting on a cushioned surface, the gases can be directed into the open-cell polyurethane foam and somewhat quarantined. Following the fart, standing will not release the odor, in fact, the gases will be further pushed to the center of the cushion. The gases will not leak out and be detectable unless the cushion is compressed again under the weight of another person. The use of this phenomenon as a practical joke is obvious” I think this has led me to the origin of the phrase…”Blaming it on others”. If you are a curious student then you can check this link for more information.
It indeed is a rich site, but this article was written ten years ago and you can imagine, or I doubt if you or anyone can, how much more information must have been added to this obscure subject in the last ten years. I won’t be able to include all this information in my book, for the benefit of my readers. So the onus of learning more about it rests squarely on you.
Why should the oxygen and nitrogen get absorbed and released, I fail to understand? They don’t even contribute to making it distinguishable. The quality of sound, in either case, depends on the tightness of respective muscles, the velocity of subjective contents being propelled, and moisture content.
They say the reader can vicariously experience the narrative of a good writer. Even though I don’t think my writings are capable of taking the readers to those heights but I must stop brooding over this business of air issuing out of us.
The other forms of whistles are those produced by inserting fingers in the mouth and forcing the breath out. My experiments with those have been even more disappointing. My cousin could produce sounds by placing his hand under his armpit and striking it repeatedly with his upper arm. He would even make something resembling a conch with his hands and produce music by blowing air through it.
He could vary the pitch to produce cadence by using the fingers to control the flow like they are used for playing flutes and clarinets. Some people are gifted and some work hard to hone skills, but most of us sit in the audience and clap at others’ abilities or even jeer at their poor shows. Well, you have got a lot of knowledge from me about the sound from the farts but do you know anything about “Varts”?
I think I will leave it for another day and since educating you about all sorts of sounds wasn’t my objective, let me leave the subject of farts and varts for some other day and bring you back to the voluntary funny sounds I learnt to produce as a child.
Seeti:- This is what we called it. Take a piece of paper about two square inch in size and cut a hole in its centre, the size of a Bindi the Indian women put on their foreheads. Now fold the paper centrally and hold it pinched lightly (so that it doesn’t blow away) between your fore and middle finger. Part the ends and hold it to your lips and force your breath through it, it will produce a shrilling sound (This is what is called as Seeti).
Peepani- You can take a leaf of a Peepal tree or a piece of paper of that size (Pepul doesn’t grow in the hills) and roll it like a beedi. Pinch the smaller end of this clarinet-shaped object called Peepani and blow gently through it. I swear it sings and it has a unique sound of its own. Each piece sings differently.
You can search for discarded stones of the mangoes if you want to make a Peepani that sings better. Mangoes don’t grow high up in the hills but they try to grow and that’s how you get the sprouted stones of the mangoes. I tell you it’s as difficult to find a right sprouted stone as is finding the truffles and I swear it was as exhilarating for us. If the plant is a little overgrown then two parts of the seed called cotyledons move away from each other resulting in too much airflow when you make a peepani out of it and if it is very young then the two parts are too close to let the air through.
Only an experienced man, sorry child, can tell you that the right gap holds the secret of all the fun. Since we are very close to what differentiates good writing from prurient stuff let me tell you that together is a combination of three words to-get-her and my thoughts might from now give a new flight to the imagination of being together with a girlfriend.
The bean or the seed with the parts farther away sings but bellowing is not really music to ears, you will agree with me I know. Before making them sing you have to pry the hard external sheath open and discard it. Then you rub the soft internal core on a not so rough surface by holding it a little slantingly. You rub and rub, neither more nor less to give it a tapered shape like that of the clarinet’s playing end and blow in often during the process of rubbing to see if it sings. It is done when it begins to sing… How basic are good things in life, similar in behavior and nature but we can know of them only if we are perceptive, as often the joy of written text is hidden beneath it in the subtext.
© navneetkumarbakshi., all rights reserved.

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Navneet Bakshi

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